decisions, decisions, decisions

If any of you have ever taken an accounting class from BYU it is possible you took it from Norm Nemrow.  He taught many years at BYU and I think was one of the best teachers I had.  It was an introduction to accounting and I learned accounting was not the career path for me, but I learned quite a bit.

One of the things I remember from accounting is the concept of a "sunk cost."  The basic premise is  that once you have spent money on something, whether it turns out to be a good purchase or a bad purchase, you should not determine future spending based on previous spending.  For a better explanation you can check it out here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunk_costs

I treat many of my decision with this concept in mind.  I typically don't have "buyers remorse" because I can't change the situation, I might as well make the best of it.  Trust me, I have made some pretty bad purchases, and Alisa reminded me of those regularly, but I just decided to make the best of it and move on.  This also means that when I am making a decision I will gather all the relevant information and then decide.  If it is wrong, I deal with it, confident I made the best decision possible with the information I had at the time.

I tell you all this because I realized over the last couple weeks, that much of my confidence relied on my ability to talk to Alisa about the decisions and get her thoughts and feelings on the situation.

Out of all the hard things we have faced over the last 2 months, trying to make decisions (one in particular) is by far the hardest thing for me to do.  Let me explain.

We received an amazing offer from a friend to accompany him on a river trip the third week of August.  I immediately said we were interested, and left it at that.  As I started looking at our schedule for August leading up to school I started to get nervous about going on this trip.  For a week I wanted to talk to someone (Alisa) about what would be best.  I couldn't think of anyone else I could rely on to give me the advice I needed.  I finally ended up talking to the boys, co-workers, friends, and family.  I was hoping for a consensus, and instead received good advice, split between going on the trip, or skipping it.

Finally, I decided that it was too much for us to make this trip.  The school year will be a new chapter for us, and I felt like I needed some runway to prepare.  I think the boys were a little disappointed, but they have been awesome and understood that maybe this is not our year for this trip.

I have not really been afraid of what we face without Alisa, until I realized I am solely responsible for our family decisions, and there are many more to come, and they will likely be more critical than a river trip.  The prospect of making those hard decisions without Alisa, that is scary.

how is your faith?

The other day at work a colleague of mine was talking to me about how we are doing and during the course of our conversation asked me this.

"How is your faith?"

I am not sure exactly how I answered his question at the time, but it made me consider the question and ponder on it some more.  I thought I would try and answer it here.

My faith in the gospel is very simple.  I sometimes told Alisa that it could almost be considered shallow.  I don't ponder the principles of the gospel, I certainly don't ponder the deeper points of doctrine.

For 8 years we lived a roller coaster of emotions.  Despair, hope, sadness, hope, devastation, hope, pain, happiness, scanxiety, hope, love, discouragement, joy, and many others.  We were blessed with miracles, and felt the hand of God in our lives.

The straight answer to the question about my faith, is that I don't feel like it has changed much, if at all.  I am not sure that is good or bad.  I have faith in the Plan of Salvation.  I can't imagine going through this trial without believing that I will one day be back in Alisa's arms.

Years ago our ward had a goal to improve family home evening, family prayer and family scripture study.  So they asked each family how we were doing, so they could encourage us to do better.  Here is how it went during our interview.

Bishop: "So how are you guys doing with family prayer?"
Me: "We are doing ok, we aren't perfect, but we do ok"

That is a pretty good answer, The bishop can encourage us to do better, it is a bit ambiguous so I don't have to admit exactly how bad we are doing, and we all leave encouraged to do better.  The boys didn't see it that way.  I am not sure exactly who said this, but I am pretty confident James started it.

James: "I would say we are about 70% on family prayer."
Bishop (somewhat surprised): "Oh, is that morning and evening prayers?"
James: "Just evening prayers, we are probably only 5% on morning prayers."
Bishop (now addressing James, because he gets much more specific answers): "So, what about scripture study?"
James: "Maybe 50%."
Bishop: "and Family Home Evening?
James: "probably 40%"
Sam or Luke: "no, maybe only 30%"

At this point Sam and Luke just want to be part of the discussion, I don't even think they understood what we were talking about.  Well it was all out on the table, we had a lot of improving to do, and the bishop knew exactly how we were doing.

We have been very consistent in our percentages over the years, sometimes better sometimes worse (a little ambiguity to keep you guessing.)

Some people go through trials, and come through better, stronger, confident that they would not go back and take away the trials if they could.  I do not feel this way.  Alisa and I used to joke about the "silver linings" of our situation, we never forgot sunscreen, we talked more, I enjoyed just being with her (even shopping), amazing vacations (Hawaii, Disneyland), and many others.  The truth is, I would give up all of those things to have skipped this whole cancer business.

Am I grateful for this trial?  Nope, I don't think so.  Am I a better person? I am certainly a better person than I was 8 years ago, but lets hope I would have improved even without cancer. Are my kids better off because of this trial?  Only if they want to be super heroes*.  I can't think of a situation for these boys better than being influenced every day of their lives by Alisa, so although I think they will be amazing, I can't help but wonder how much more amazing they would have been with her by their side**.

I am lucky that my faith has not been negatively affected by this.  Of course there are the times of doubt and wonder, but I always come back to that basic faith in the Great Plan of Happiness.

So, how is my faith?  I have an unwavering belief that I will see Alisa again, that alone will keep me going for many years.



*the boys and I are constantly trying to find super heroes with parents.  We think all the good ones don't have a mom or a dad (which is why I discourage this particular career path) although I think someone does have a father...but maybe they turn out to be bad.  We don't focus too much on princesses, but I think they also require the loss of one or both parents to qualify.

**I do believe that Alisa will attend the boys during their lives, but I am just not convinced that being their "guardian angel" is better than being here on earth with them. A guardian angel is one thing, but who is going to teach them to act like gentlemen, and how to dress, and how to pick up girls (actually I can handle that one).

the worse half

I am sure you have heard people say that their spouse is their better half.  Imagine the trouble that causes when the better half is no longer around.  All that is left is...

the rotten half

the worse half

the not-as-good half

It doesn't really matter what you call it, the problem is there are a number of things that get out of control when the better half is missing.  Here are some stories and examples of what happens when the better half is missing.

You sign your dog up for "pet insurance."

I took Ginger to the vet to get a fish hook out of her foot.  I was in such a rush getting there on time that I when the vet checked her out, the fish hook was already gone.  So I decided that since we were already there, I would get Ginger a checkup and her shots.  This is what they found.

Broken tooth - requires extraction

strange mass on her foot - requires removal, and for an extra $200 tested for cancer

Dental cleaning - not mandatory, but since she will be knocked out anyway, you might as well get it done.

At this point I had 2 choices, plan on paying $900+ for all the treatment, or sign up for the premium dog plan and the total would only be $700.  So I signed up for the insurance.  I was raised to treat animals as animals, not as humans.  Sometimes the right thing to do is to put your dog to sleep.  There has been two chances over the years when Ginger has needed some medical attention, I guess our family has just not been ready to lose another family member.

Long story short, Ginger had the surgery, removed her teeth, got the mass removed, and has a beautiful set of clean teeth.  Her recovery was a bit annoying.  I had to either keep a "cone of shame" on her all the time (I could not submit my poodle to such a thing), or watch her day and night to make sure she didn't bite out her stitches and lick her wounds and keep them from healing.  It was a rough two weeks and I am sure Alisa's sisters (who helped take care of Ginger) are glad she is healed up.  

You buy a waffle cone maker - and other useless things

My better half definitely kept me in line from a spending perspective.  Amazon has too many great things.  the waffle cone maker is awesome, but you can't have a waffle cone maker without something to hold the waffle cones while they cool.  so I bought a waffle cone holder.  A batch of waffle cone mix makes 8 waffle cones, the holder only holds 4 cones, so I bought another waffle cone holder.  Is anyone out there convinced this was a wise financial decision?  

I doubt I could have convinced Alisa.  I sometimes try to convince the kids there is a silver lining in our situation, like not having anyone tell me not to buy junk, but this could really backfire.  I started to budget (or at least keep track of what I spend) so I think I can get this under control.

You get a tattoo - or you get a fake tattoo that looks real.

When I first decided to run a spartan race back in December of 2013, my neighbors showed me some pictures of the race and said they were going to run it.  I laughed, and laughed.  I basically told them they were crazy and they could never do it.  The videos were cool though, and I decided to show my family when I got home.  I was laughing and telling them how my friends thought they could do it.  My family, the boys, Alisa, probably even Ginger, all looked at me and said, seriously, yeah dad you could never do that.  

I immediately signed up for the race, called my friends, and started working out. Alisa supported me as I tried to prove them all wrong.  I found that this race was the first thing I had done that really motivated me to exercise consistently.  By the end of 2014 I had run 3 Spartan races, a marthaon, and was in the best shape of my life.  Alisa encouraged me, laughed at me when I failed obstacles, and put up with my early morning schedule.  I had already signed up for this years race when our world changed at the beginning of this year.  I was not as prepared as last year, but it kept me motivated to get out of bed and exercise.  My "tattoo" is my tribute to Alisa and her support.  After the race I thought I would just keep exercising, I had been consistent working out 3-4 days a week for a month. The Monday after the race I set my alarm for 5:00 AM, then I push the snooze button for 3 hours until I had to get out of bed and get the kids off to swim team.  Tuesday, same thing.  I quickly realized I could be heading down a very...dangerous path.  So...I signed up for 2 more Spartan races this year, and I am back on the workout program.  

Your kids chide you for yelling.

When we would get upset with the kids for one thing or another, the parent that was not initially involved in the yelling would have to be the nice parent in the situation.  Alisa and I would switch roles depending on the situation.  I have few talents, but I was born with a loud voice, and I can yell. the other day we were playing Parcheesi and Luke got upset when James sent his pawns Home.  He went on about breaking the rules, and it wasn't fair, I yelled at him, James went downstairs, Luke went to his room, and I just fumed about how my kids still cry over games.  A couple days later we were watching the Women's World Cup and the USA scored a goal, I yelled.  All three of my boys were silent, James looked at me and said, "Dad, I don't like it when you yell, even when you are happy."  Whoa.  Sam had told me in the past he doesn't like me coaching his teams because even when I am yelling encouragement it sounds like I am angry.  I guess I have a lot of work to do, and I am missing my better half.

I am sure there are other things, but we can stop there.  We have had some great moments the last few weeks, in spite of my mistakes.

We went to the Lehi Rodeo which is a great tradition.

Luke had his tenth birthday.  It was fun, but as I was taking pictures of him, I think he was missing his mom.  It just looked like he was trying hard to enjoy the moment, and he shouldn't have to try.  It was nice of his aunts to work so hard to give him the cupcakes he wanted.  they were perfect.

Rodeo.

We spent an evening at Sundance, playing, laughing, and just enjoying each other's company.

I have realized over the last month that one of the things I miss most is Alisa's ability to humble me.  I don't really know how to put this in words, but I have enough confidence to last me a lifetime, and Alisa knew how to encourage me, but not let me get too arrogant.  There were times when I would get upset because I felt like she was teaching the kids not to respect me.  I find now that I am grateful she taught them to question me (these words all seem wrong, I hope you get the gist).  James has filled the role nicely, reminding me that my blog "doesn't even quote him accurately," and that my "grammar and spelling are horrible {chuckling}."  Sam and James laughed their heads off when I had them take a picture of my "tattoo" and then made him retake it because he included my "love handles" in the picture.  Alisa taught them well, and I am grateful.