how is your faith?

The other day at work a colleague of mine was talking to me about how we are doing and during the course of our conversation asked me this.

"How is your faith?"

I am not sure exactly how I answered his question at the time, but it made me consider the question and ponder on it some more.  I thought I would try and answer it here.

My faith in the gospel is very simple.  I sometimes told Alisa that it could almost be considered shallow.  I don't ponder the principles of the gospel, I certainly don't ponder the deeper points of doctrine.

For 8 years we lived a roller coaster of emotions.  Despair, hope, sadness, hope, devastation, hope, pain, happiness, scanxiety, hope, love, discouragement, joy, and many others.  We were blessed with miracles, and felt the hand of God in our lives.

The straight answer to the question about my faith, is that I don't feel like it has changed much, if at all.  I am not sure that is good or bad.  I have faith in the Plan of Salvation.  I can't imagine going through this trial without believing that I will one day be back in Alisa's arms.

Years ago our ward had a goal to improve family home evening, family prayer and family scripture study.  So they asked each family how we were doing, so they could encourage us to do better.  Here is how it went during our interview.

Bishop: "So how are you guys doing with family prayer?"
Me: "We are doing ok, we aren't perfect, but we do ok"

That is a pretty good answer, The bishop can encourage us to do better, it is a bit ambiguous so I don't have to admit exactly how bad we are doing, and we all leave encouraged to do better.  The boys didn't see it that way.  I am not sure exactly who said this, but I am pretty confident James started it.

James: "I would say we are about 70% on family prayer."
Bishop (somewhat surprised): "Oh, is that morning and evening prayers?"
James: "Just evening prayers, we are probably only 5% on morning prayers."
Bishop (now addressing James, because he gets much more specific answers): "So, what about scripture study?"
James: "Maybe 50%."
Bishop: "and Family Home Evening?
James: "probably 40%"
Sam or Luke: "no, maybe only 30%"

At this point Sam and Luke just want to be part of the discussion, I don't even think they understood what we were talking about.  Well it was all out on the table, we had a lot of improving to do, and the bishop knew exactly how we were doing.

We have been very consistent in our percentages over the years, sometimes better sometimes worse (a little ambiguity to keep you guessing.)

Some people go through trials, and come through better, stronger, confident that they would not go back and take away the trials if they could.  I do not feel this way.  Alisa and I used to joke about the "silver linings" of our situation, we never forgot sunscreen, we talked more, I enjoyed just being with her (even shopping), amazing vacations (Hawaii, Disneyland), and many others.  The truth is, I would give up all of those things to have skipped this whole cancer business.

Am I grateful for this trial?  Nope, I don't think so.  Am I a better person? I am certainly a better person than I was 8 years ago, but lets hope I would have improved even without cancer. Are my kids better off because of this trial?  Only if they want to be super heroes*.  I can't think of a situation for these boys better than being influenced every day of their lives by Alisa, so although I think they will be amazing, I can't help but wonder how much more amazing they would have been with her by their side**.

I am lucky that my faith has not been negatively affected by this.  Of course there are the times of doubt and wonder, but I always come back to that basic faith in the Great Plan of Happiness.

So, how is my faith?  I have an unwavering belief that I will see Alisa again, that alone will keep me going for many years.



*the boys and I are constantly trying to find super heroes with parents.  We think all the good ones don't have a mom or a dad (which is why I discourage this particular career path) although I think someone does have a father...but maybe they turn out to be bad.  We don't focus too much on princesses, but I think they also require the loss of one or both parents to qualify.

**I do believe that Alisa will attend the boys during their lives, but I am just not convinced that being their "guardian angel" is better than being here on earth with them. A guardian angel is one thing, but who is going to teach them to act like gentlemen, and how to dress, and how to pick up girls (actually I can handle that one).