conference week

It has been a busy week with Paul and Jill in town for conference.  Just thought I would share a couple experiences from the week.

Church History museum - We were able to visit the new church history museum with the Johnson's on Tuesday night.  If you haven't been there for a while there are a couple of things worth a visit.

There is a new video of Joseph Smith's fist vision that was awesome.  It is in this little half-moon shaped room that has a screen stretch 180 degrees around the room.  It is like watching a movie in 3D without the glasses.  Make sure you check it out.

The second thing you need to check out is upstairs in the children's area.  There is this wooden marble run that represents the life of Christ.  Make sure you are there for the explanation.  It was super cool.

While I was walking around looking at all the art, I couldn't help but think about Alisa.  I wanted to be impressed with all the beautiful art, it really is amazing, but I just wasn't.  I realized that as talented as these artists are, I longed for the perfect beauty that Alisa created in everything she did.  It was an amazing talent she had to see the beauty in the world, and then present it so that the rest of us could see it through her eyes.  I was a bit depressed looking at all the art, and felt like I was missing something.

Johnson Family Film Festival -  Friday night we all got together to enjoy some home made videos.  It is one of the funnest traditions.  All the families come prepared with shorts films, commercials, and original creations to share with everyone.  I rarely laugh so hard.  This year even the kids got in the spirit and created their own video.  I have posted the one James, Sam and Luke submitted.  If you haven't seen Studio C, this might not make sense.  Check out the "Just Jeremy" segment from Studio C to understand the premise.

I also want to mention something James did this weekend that makes me proud.  James is 14 years old and has some typical "teenager" attitudes and issues.  Anytime he does something I don't like too much his excuse is, "I am a teenager, Dad.." as if that explains everything.  He explains some of his actions a little more scientifically, something about how teenagers brains are going through lots of changes, and so he can't help being a little...crazy.  Anyway, he has his iphone and is pretty responsible with it.  His brothers complain that he is "always playing games," and he does play a bit, but just when I think I need to say something, I drop him off at his cousins and he just leaves his phone in the car.  I don't think that is typical of most teenagers (although I am no expert).  It was just comforting to see that although he may play on his phone, there are things he would rather do, like play with his cousins.

Everyone once in a while I will "catch" James while he is texting someone, I feel like it is my parental duty to ask who he is texting.  I asked him Saturday night after priesthood session.  "James, who are you texting?"  He replies "Tommy, we are texting about President Monson's talk."  Really? Nice work James.  Your mom would be proud.

I almost forgot.  Conference was great.  the kids listened most of the time (while building Legos) and I managed not to sleep during any of the sessions, which might be a first.

aroo!!

Yesterday I finished my second Spartan race of the year.  The Spartan race series works hard to keep its participants engaged so they will continue to participate.  One of the questions they ask (mostly on social media) is "why I race."

The race I did yesterday was just over 12 miles long with 30 different obstacles.  It took me about 3.5 hours to finish.  When I train, I run/workout with headphones, listening to music or an audiobook.  Because of the wet and muddy terrain during the race, I spend all that time, talking to myself.  Just in my head, so nobody else thinks I am crazy.

During yesterday's race I had a couple of conversations with myself that I thought I would share with you today.  In order to understand the conversation I think you need to understand a little bit of background about how I decided to do my first spartan race almost 2 years ago.

 My friends (Davy and Mckay) were showing me some online videos of a mud race they were thinking about doing in Utah.  It looked really hard.  I couldn't help but give these guys a hard time that they were crazy to even attempt it.  I am not sure what they thought (I wasn't very nice) but I had a pretty good laugh imagining them doing this race.  I decided to share the laughter with my family when I got home that day.  I showed them all the same videos and started laughing about how Davy and McKay thought they could do it.  I did not get the response I expected.  Nobody laughed.  they all looked at me and said, "Yeah, dad you could never do that..." Whoa...That is not acceptable.

I immediately signed up for the race.  I texted my friends and told them I had signed up and they should join me (I am sure I forgot to apologize for my earlier attitude.)

Well that day I started preparing for these races and I have been pretty obsessed ever since.  I ran 3 races in 2014, and will run 3 this year.

During yesterdays race I kept thinking what I would tell someone if they asked me "why I race."  This year I have raced both races with my shirt off and a big tattoo* on my back with Alisa's name.  So do I run for Alisa?  No, I don't think so.  After I ran 2 races last year I decided I was in good enough shape to try and run a marathon for the first time in my life.  Out of all the sports/activities I have done in my life, the marathon impressed Alisa the most.  After she passed away, I signed up for the Salt Lake Marathon, in her honor, that I will run for her.  After I did my first Spartan race of the year (in June) I thought for sure the marathon would motivate me to keep running and working out.  Well it didn't quite work out that way.

Monday (after the race) - alarm set for 5:00 AM.  Snooze button every ten minutes for over 3 hours, wake up just in time to get the kids to swim lessons.  determined to be better tomorrow.

Tuesday - alarm set for 5:00 AM.  Snooze button every ten minutes for over 3 hours, wake up just in time to get the kids to swim team.  determined to be better tomorrow.

Wednesday - alarm set for 5:00 AM.  Snooze button every ten minutes for over 3 hours, wake up just in time to get the kids to swim team.  Immediately signed up for 2 more Spartan races.

I haven't been perfect getting up to exercise, but looking forward to a Spartan race is great motivation for me.  So, why do I race?  For myself, for my own sanity, because I am afraid of what I become if I don't (sleeping in every day, just getting out of bed when necessary, not a pretty future)

So then the question, why Alisa's name on my back.  This is actually much simpler.  Each race I ran in 2014, I would come home, scrapped, scratched, and bruised, and Alisa would ask, "Did you run with your shirt off?"  I would reply, "No way, that sounds miserable." Alisa, "Well, then I guess you are not a "real" Spartan then."  Now I run my Spartan races without my shirt, and a big tattoo* to show Alisa I am a "real" Spartan.

It only took me half of my 3.5 hours to figure that all out.

The second question I asked myself only requires a little background.

While waiting for my heat to start yesterday, I overheard multiple people talking about how they are running the race with their significant other.  I started thinking about what I would say to the question "oh, your wife doesn't do Spartan races, what does she do?"  This imaginary person would not know that this kind of race/competition was not up her alley, and even though I am having an imaginary conversation, I am not interested in explaining what Alisa has been busy doing the last 8 years.  I thought, what has Alisa been doing for "fun" the last 8 years?

As I thought about this, I realized that Alisa's favorite pastime over the last 8 years has been planning and plotting her battle against cancer.  She studied her enemy, understood its weaknesses, planned her strategy, and executed an attack.  I don't know if she enjoyed it, but she was dedicated to it.  She spent many nights reading articles, communicating with other cancer patients, and looking for clinical trials.  She was a warrior, a General in her war against this horrible disease.  She won many battles, and in the end lost the war to an enemy that doesn't play by the rules, and has hundreds of years of experience.

My Spartan training pales in comparison to the preparation Alisa put in to her fight, and the pain I endure is nothing to what she passed through.  My respect and love for Alisa grows each day as I think on her life and the impact she had on me and my family.  We will be forever blessed for having her in our lives.


*the tattoo is temporary, in case you were wondering.

charity golf tournament

every year my work puts on a charity golf tournament to benefit Hunstman Cancer Foundation.  We have been doing it for 8 years (ever since Alisa was first diagnosed).  It is an amazing event and we have tons of fun.

for years I have wanted to take all of the boys with me.  The problem in the past was that only Luke really enjoyed golf, and Alisa was not a big fan of me taking them out of school for a day.  Well this year they all enjoy golf enough to spend a few hours playing, and I was the only one around to make the decision, so they got to come.

besides the fact that it rained basically the entire round of golf, we had a good time.  We play up at Wasatch State Park and the scenery is breathtaking.  The fall colors are awesome and even if your golf is poor, it is still worth the time in the mountains.  The highlight of the day was when I let James borrow my driver.  I can't believe he is tall enough to use my clubs.  He got up and took a practice swing, because it was wet and rainy, the club slipped out of his hand, and went flying into the trees.  James was terrified that I would be angry, but I just laughed, mostly because I knew we would find it.  We started looking and spent 15 minutes with no luck.  We played the rest of the round without a driver.  After the round was over we went back to look some more.  After an hour of looking we gave up.  We had lost my Taylor Made R9 driver...  Looking back, I should have really yelled at James.  But the story is not over.  On the next hole, I hit one of the best shots of my life and stuck my tee shot about 4 ft from the pin.  I won the closest to the pin contest and won....a new driver.  It was a good day, and I can't wait to play next year.

After Alisa was first diagnosed, we immediately went to Huntsman and began treatments.  Over the years we had to leave Huntsman for some experimental treatments.  We visited some of the top cancer hospitals in the country to receive these treatments.  The interesting part is that we only looked outside of Huntsman, because Alisa didn't fit the trial criteria for the same drugs that were available at Huntsman. 

we have the best cancer hospital in the country.  We have experienced others, and as great as they were, none of the facilities, doctors, or nurses could compare to what Huntsman has built right here in Utah.  I can't put into words what Mr Huntsman has created, but the doctors and nurses there, seem to not just care for their patients, but love them as well.  

I will forever be grateful for the support we received from Huntsman, specifically the nurses and doctors that supported us through it all.  

happy (but not the best) birthday

I went to the temple this week.  It is the first time since Alisa died.  I never loved going to the temple by myself when Alisa was alive, it was especially hard with her gone.  There is no question that I feel closer to Alisa while I am at the temple, but maybe that is what makes it so difficult.  She is so close, yet so far away.

I had my 37th birthday yesterday, and although we never made a big deal out of birthday's, Alisa always had something up her sleeve to make it special.  I had a great birthday, even if Alisa was missing.  Alisa's family was very thoughtful and gave me some wonderful treats to enjoy during the football game.  My family invited us for dinner and hung out with me during the football game.  BYU won, which is about as good a present as I could ask for.  But my favorite present was the birthday sign James put up while I was gone.  He also wrapped a present for me.  

James wrapped my present and when I got home, Luke asked if he could go get the present and bring it out.  James said "uh, probably you shouldn't, it might fall apart if you pick it up."  So we went into my room and unwrapped what looked suspiciously like a hockey stick.  James said "that took me so long to wrap..."  He did a great job, and I will probably never be able to express how blessed I am to have him around. For example, I won't let him have instagram, I won't bore you with my reasons, but he is constantly giving me reasons he should have instagram.  He doesn't complain, or throw fits about ruing his teenage life, he just accepts my reasons, and pesters me good-naturedly about signing up.  I try to post picture of him regularly so he doesn't feel totally left out of the scene, so last night while he was at the BYU game with his friends we had this messaging exchange.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes, it was a fun day, surrounded by family and people I love.

p.s.  I know who paid for the hockey stick, and I will pay you back, somehow.

p.p.s For those of you wondering why I need a hockey stick.  my brother in law asked if I wanted to play in a rookie hockey league with him, and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to try.  

school and fun

School started a few weeks back and I think we are finally getting into the swing of things.  We had a busy summer and the school year looks to be much of the same.

Each of the boys have their own things going on.

James

James started 9th grade this year and is pretty excited to be at the top of the food chain.  He plays trombone in the Jazz band.  He is doing rock climbing at Momentum a couple days a week and is enjoying that.  I am excited that he will be able to teach me some rock climbing techniques.  He is so fun to talk to and his confidence is awesome.  Two James stories that made me laugh over the last couple weeks.

1. We went golfing last Friday.  James drove one cart with Sam, and Luke and I rode in the other cart.  I have always told my boys that they don't have to love golf, they just have to like it enough to play a round together.  This was the first time we made it through, and everyone enjoyed it.  One of the problems with me and sports is that I have a hard time not trying to "correct" the boys every time they swing.  At one point James miss-hit a shot, and then I hit one that was worse.  I took the opportunity to explain that the boys shouldn't get discouraged with bad shots, even experienced players hit bad shots.  After my "speech" James looked at me and said "Dad, I don't get discouraged."  I love this kids confidence.
2. I was in San Francisco last week for work and the nanny started Monday while I was gone.  After the first day, she asked if she could take them to get some jeans (that's right, my kids didn't have jeans).  I gave James a credit card a while back for situations like this.  They found some jeans and went to pay.  They asked for ID.  This is a problem because the credit card is Alisa's old one.  The conversation went something like this

                            James: I don't have ID.

                            Cashier: Do you have approval to use this card?  Who are you? (looking at Sydney)

                            Sydney: I am the nanny

                            James: Yes we have permission.

                            Cashier: Who is, Alisa Linton, this is her card.

                            James: She is my mom.

                            Cashier: Where is she?

                            James: She is dead.

                            Cashier: uh, ok, we will take care of you.

When James told me this story I was laughing so hard.  I am so impressed with his ability to handle these situations with strength and confidence.  He kept asking me if he should have said something else.  Nope, he said exactly the right thing.

Sam

Sam started 7th grade and also started playing lacrosse.  He is playing the clarinet in the band.  The choice of instrument has been somewhat of a challenge.  He really wanted to play the flute.  I might have not been supportive of this choice, so I asked some questions about why he wanted to play the flute.  I thought that if it was because he would be surrounded by girls, I could support the flute.  Nope, it is because he wants to play the piccolo.  I asked why he wants to play the piccolo.  Sam said "because it can fit in my pocket."  After a few exhausting conversations we decided to let the band teacher help him decide, and if they need more flute players, I would support him.  Luckily during his first days of band the teacher lined up all the kids that hadn't chosen an instrument and told them he was going to choose for them, based on their "personality."  As Sam recounts the story "He looked at me and immediately said, the clarinet. He didn't even hesitate, he knew right away, He had to think about it for the other kids."   I think I agree with Sam, Mr. Summers was inspired. Sam has not had the easiest time with music, but he is loving the clarinet and even practices without being asked.

Luke

Luke keeps busy with his school work, piano, and soccer.  He is playing goalie for his soccer team this year, and has been doing a great job.  For a kid that is pretty terrified of anything new, I was nervous he may not like it, but he committed in the spring to play goalie this year and has worked hard, improved a ton, and gets up when he gets knocked down.  I love watching his games, and have even learned to keep my mouth shut (80% of the time).

Josh

The highlight of my week in San Francisco was Tuesday night when I found out Phantom of the Opera was playing.  I saw Phantom for the first time back in junior high or high school with Alisa.  It has always been one of my favorite musicals, and maybe it is because I first saw it with her.  It was a little sad going to a play by myself, but it was a fun trip down memory lane.  Alisa an I saw Wicked at this same theatre in San Fran just a few years ago.  

The round of golf I played with my boys last Friday was a dream come true.  They enjoyed it, I enjoyed it, and I look forward to many more rounds together.

Los Linton Boys

Sydney (our nanny) started on Monday and has been fantastic.  When I told her she would be starting the same week I would be gone, she wasn't worried at all.  She got the kids ready for school picture day, she went to Luke's back to school night, made dinner, made sure the kids practiced their music, got them to their activities, bought them some jeans (this is a first for Sam), and still wants to come back next week.

We went on a short backpacking trip yesterday up to the Uintah's with some of our cousins and uncles and had a great time enjoying the outdoors, even if we still haven't unpacked from the trip.

Last but not least, we watched BYU beat Nebraska yesterday in miraculous fashion.So awesome!

summer 2015

It has been just over 3 months since Alisa was relieved of her earthly pain.  It certainly seems like a lot longer than that.  We have tried to keep busy, it seems like the best things for us.  The boys started school last week and we or on to the next stage in our new life.  Here is a recap of our summer fun.

As much fun as you can have at a funeral

Sam and I did the Spartan Race

James - working at VLCM

floating down the river at Lava Hot Springs with the Johnsons

Selfie with Ginger - kind of lonely while the boys were at camp

Me, Sam and Luke at the Tour of Utah while James was camping

Lagoon

School starts

 Blow dart practice at the cabin in Logan

Lehi Roundup Rodeo

Watching their cousin Trevor play hockey

Luke's 10th birthday

hiking Box Elder peak (didn't make it to the top)

4th of July fireworks party

Birthday party #2 for Luke

Trip to New Mexico to play and see Daija in Beauty and the Beast

 

Aspen Grove Family Camp

 

 

Summer Lego creations (the airplane is technically a gunship)

Ride from Reno 

Summer Swim team

Wallet Gun

Yep, a .22 caliber Gatling gun

AR-15 Assault Rifle

 

James on trek

more shooting with Grandpa

Washburn reunion

There is still more I neglected to document. We kept very busy and we had a lot of help from Aunts, Uncles, Grandmas and Grandpas.  We definitely could not have done it without them.

Thanks.

Los Linton boys

time flies - even if it isn't all fun

Summer is basically over.  The kids start school Wednesday.

We have made it through the summer and overall I think we have survived.  There have been some fun times, and some hard times, as you might expect, but overall we have made it.

Now it is time to start another chapter.  

School.  

For the last 15 years I have participated very little in the education of my boys.  Even though Alisa couldn't spell*, she still helped all the kids with their spelling.  Occasionally I "helped" James with his math, but even that ended with impatience.  I think Alisa knew this would be a tough transition and so she made me promise to hire a nanny, someone that would be home each day after school, help the kids with their homework and music, and get them off to their activities, so that when I got home, we could focus on other (less frustrating) activities.

Alisa used to get her Social Security letter in the mail, (the one that estimates how much you will get when you retire), and plan how I should spend the $1000/month she was entitled to.  I didn't have the heart to tell her there was no chance she was going to get that much.  So she budgeted for us to get a nanny, and I promised I would.  

It might be too early to tell (the nanny doesn't start till August 31st), but I believe we were "lucky**" to find this person.  When I posted what we were looking for, I had hoped to get at least 2 or 3 candidates, it turned out that only one person applied, and she is perfect for the job.  I guess this could be wishful thinking, but only time will tell.

This past month has been whirlwind of activity.

soccer coaching certification - Josh

soccer camp - Luke

marked generation day camp (http://www.markedgeneration.org/) - James, Sam, Luke

Johnson grandparents moved to Germany

Lava Hot springs - Johnson family (this was super fun)

Scout camp (Uintah backpacking trip) - James (due to a lack of planning on my part, he ended up with a pack that weighed over 30% of his total body weight, luckily it was only a 2 mile hike in, oh wait, it was 6 miles.  Sorry James.)

baptism - Truman

Alice In Wonderland Jr. - Savannah and Rachel

hired a Nanny - Sydney

Camp Kesem (http://campkesem.org/byu)- James, Sam, Luke - This is a free camp for kids whose parents have cancer.  They went last year for the first time, and it is amazing.

home alone - Josh (watched a couple movies with some friends, and tried to recreate Alisa's bookshelf design from our old house, didn't quite turn out the same, yet, but the TV is bigger.)

The current state of my project

Alisa's project (the TV is strategically hidden behind the family picture)
Isn't she beautiful...

*One time Alisa was helping Sam with his spelling home work and he had the word "both" on the list.  He has to spell each word correctly and submit it online to finish so he has Alisa check each word so he doesn't have to do the whole thing over.  She came to his spelling of "both" and said "Sam, sound it out, what are you missing?"  Sam, "hmm. booolllth"  Alisa, "that's right"  Sam, "so I need to add an L?"  Alisa "Yep"  Sam changes "both" to "bolth" and it the only word he get wrong.  He made her do the entire thing. (This was probably the funniest conversation I've ever listened to in my life)-James

**by lucky I mean a blessing or miracle.  Again, maybe to early to tell, but I certainly feel that way now.

decisions, decisions, decisions

If any of you have ever taken an accounting class from BYU it is possible you took it from Norm Nemrow.  He taught many years at BYU and I think was one of the best teachers I had.  It was an introduction to accounting and I learned accounting was not the career path for me, but I learned quite a bit.

One of the things I remember from accounting is the concept of a "sunk cost."  The basic premise is  that once you have spent money on something, whether it turns out to be a good purchase or a bad purchase, you should not determine future spending based on previous spending.  For a better explanation you can check it out here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunk_costs

I treat many of my decision with this concept in mind.  I typically don't have "buyers remorse" because I can't change the situation, I might as well make the best of it.  Trust me, I have made some pretty bad purchases, and Alisa reminded me of those regularly, but I just decided to make the best of it and move on.  This also means that when I am making a decision I will gather all the relevant information and then decide.  If it is wrong, I deal with it, confident I made the best decision possible with the information I had at the time.

I tell you all this because I realized over the last couple weeks, that much of my confidence relied on my ability to talk to Alisa about the decisions and get her thoughts and feelings on the situation.

Out of all the hard things we have faced over the last 2 months, trying to make decisions (one in particular) is by far the hardest thing for me to do.  Let me explain.

We received an amazing offer from a friend to accompany him on a river trip the third week of August.  I immediately said we were interested, and left it at that.  As I started looking at our schedule for August leading up to school I started to get nervous about going on this trip.  For a week I wanted to talk to someone (Alisa) about what would be best.  I couldn't think of anyone else I could rely on to give me the advice I needed.  I finally ended up talking to the boys, co-workers, friends, and family.  I was hoping for a consensus, and instead received good advice, split between going on the trip, or skipping it.

Finally, I decided that it was too much for us to make this trip.  The school year will be a new chapter for us, and I felt like I needed some runway to prepare.  I think the boys were a little disappointed, but they have been awesome and understood that maybe this is not our year for this trip.

I have not really been afraid of what we face without Alisa, until I realized I am solely responsible for our family decisions, and there are many more to come, and they will likely be more critical than a river trip.  The prospect of making those hard decisions without Alisa, that is scary.

how is your faith?

The other day at work a colleague of mine was talking to me about how we are doing and during the course of our conversation asked me this.

"How is your faith?"

I am not sure exactly how I answered his question at the time, but it made me consider the question and ponder on it some more.  I thought I would try and answer it here.

My faith in the gospel is very simple.  I sometimes told Alisa that it could almost be considered shallow.  I don't ponder the principles of the gospel, I certainly don't ponder the deeper points of doctrine.

For 8 years we lived a roller coaster of emotions.  Despair, hope, sadness, hope, devastation, hope, pain, happiness, scanxiety, hope, love, discouragement, joy, and many others.  We were blessed with miracles, and felt the hand of God in our lives.

The straight answer to the question about my faith, is that I don't feel like it has changed much, if at all.  I am not sure that is good or bad.  I have faith in the Plan of Salvation.  I can't imagine going through this trial without believing that I will one day be back in Alisa's arms.

Years ago our ward had a goal to improve family home evening, family prayer and family scripture study.  So they asked each family how we were doing, so they could encourage us to do better.  Here is how it went during our interview.

Bishop: "So how are you guys doing with family prayer?"
Me: "We are doing ok, we aren't perfect, but we do ok"

That is a pretty good answer, The bishop can encourage us to do better, it is a bit ambiguous so I don't have to admit exactly how bad we are doing, and we all leave encouraged to do better.  The boys didn't see it that way.  I am not sure exactly who said this, but I am pretty confident James started it.

James: "I would say we are about 70% on family prayer."
Bishop (somewhat surprised): "Oh, is that morning and evening prayers?"
James: "Just evening prayers, we are probably only 5% on morning prayers."
Bishop (now addressing James, because he gets much more specific answers): "So, what about scripture study?"
James: "Maybe 50%."
Bishop: "and Family Home Evening?
James: "probably 40%"
Sam or Luke: "no, maybe only 30%"

At this point Sam and Luke just want to be part of the discussion, I don't even think they understood what we were talking about.  Well it was all out on the table, we had a lot of improving to do, and the bishop knew exactly how we were doing.

We have been very consistent in our percentages over the years, sometimes better sometimes worse (a little ambiguity to keep you guessing.)

Some people go through trials, and come through better, stronger, confident that they would not go back and take away the trials if they could.  I do not feel this way.  Alisa and I used to joke about the "silver linings" of our situation, we never forgot sunscreen, we talked more, I enjoyed just being with her (even shopping), amazing vacations (Hawaii, Disneyland), and many others.  The truth is, I would give up all of those things to have skipped this whole cancer business.

Am I grateful for this trial?  Nope, I don't think so.  Am I a better person? I am certainly a better person than I was 8 years ago, but lets hope I would have improved even without cancer. Are my kids better off because of this trial?  Only if they want to be super heroes*.  I can't think of a situation for these boys better than being influenced every day of their lives by Alisa, so although I think they will be amazing, I can't help but wonder how much more amazing they would have been with her by their side**.

I am lucky that my faith has not been negatively affected by this.  Of course there are the times of doubt and wonder, but I always come back to that basic faith in the Great Plan of Happiness.

So, how is my faith?  I have an unwavering belief that I will see Alisa again, that alone will keep me going for many years.



*the boys and I are constantly trying to find super heroes with parents.  We think all the good ones don't have a mom or a dad (which is why I discourage this particular career path) although I think someone does have a father...but maybe they turn out to be bad.  We don't focus too much on princesses, but I think they also require the loss of one or both parents to qualify.

**I do believe that Alisa will attend the boys during their lives, but I am just not convinced that being their "guardian angel" is better than being here on earth with them. A guardian angel is one thing, but who is going to teach them to act like gentlemen, and how to dress, and how to pick up girls (actually I can handle that one).

the worse half

I am sure you have heard people say that their spouse is their better half.  Imagine the trouble that causes when the better half is no longer around.  All that is left is...

the rotten half

the worse half

the not-as-good half

It doesn't really matter what you call it, the problem is there are a number of things that get out of control when the better half is missing.  Here are some stories and examples of what happens when the better half is missing.

You sign your dog up for "pet insurance."

I took Ginger to the vet to get a fish hook out of her foot.  I was in such a rush getting there on time that I when the vet checked her out, the fish hook was already gone.  So I decided that since we were already there, I would get Ginger a checkup and her shots.  This is what they found.

Broken tooth - requires extraction

strange mass on her foot - requires removal, and for an extra $200 tested for cancer

Dental cleaning - not mandatory, but since she will be knocked out anyway, you might as well get it done.

At this point I had 2 choices, plan on paying $900+ for all the treatment, or sign up for the premium dog plan and the total would only be $700.  So I signed up for the insurance.  I was raised to treat animals as animals, not as humans.  Sometimes the right thing to do is to put your dog to sleep.  There has been two chances over the years when Ginger has needed some medical attention, I guess our family has just not been ready to lose another family member.

Long story short, Ginger had the surgery, removed her teeth, got the mass removed, and has a beautiful set of clean teeth.  Her recovery was a bit annoying.  I had to either keep a "cone of shame" on her all the time (I could not submit my poodle to such a thing), or watch her day and night to make sure she didn't bite out her stitches and lick her wounds and keep them from healing.  It was a rough two weeks and I am sure Alisa's sisters (who helped take care of Ginger) are glad she is healed up.  

You buy a waffle cone maker - and other useless things

My better half definitely kept me in line from a spending perspective.  Amazon has too many great things.  the waffle cone maker is awesome, but you can't have a waffle cone maker without something to hold the waffle cones while they cool.  so I bought a waffle cone holder.  A batch of waffle cone mix makes 8 waffle cones, the holder only holds 4 cones, so I bought another waffle cone holder.  Is anyone out there convinced this was a wise financial decision?  

I doubt I could have convinced Alisa.  I sometimes try to convince the kids there is a silver lining in our situation, like not having anyone tell me not to buy junk, but this could really backfire.  I started to budget (or at least keep track of what I spend) so I think I can get this under control.

You get a tattoo - or you get a fake tattoo that looks real.

When I first decided to run a spartan race back in December of 2013, my neighbors showed me some pictures of the race and said they were going to run it.  I laughed, and laughed.  I basically told them they were crazy and they could never do it.  The videos were cool though, and I decided to show my family when I got home.  I was laughing and telling them how my friends thought they could do it.  My family, the boys, Alisa, probably even Ginger, all looked at me and said, seriously, yeah dad you could never do that.  

I immediately signed up for the race, called my friends, and started working out. Alisa supported me as I tried to prove them all wrong.  I found that this race was the first thing I had done that really motivated me to exercise consistently.  By the end of 2014 I had run 3 Spartan races, a marthaon, and was in the best shape of my life.  Alisa encouraged me, laughed at me when I failed obstacles, and put up with my early morning schedule.  I had already signed up for this years race when our world changed at the beginning of this year.  I was not as prepared as last year, but it kept me motivated to get out of bed and exercise.  My "tattoo" is my tribute to Alisa and her support.  After the race I thought I would just keep exercising, I had been consistent working out 3-4 days a week for a month. The Monday after the race I set my alarm for 5:00 AM, then I push the snooze button for 3 hours until I had to get out of bed and get the kids off to swim team.  Tuesday, same thing.  I quickly realized I could be heading down a very...dangerous path.  So...I signed up for 2 more Spartan races this year, and I am back on the workout program.  

Your kids chide you for yelling.

When we would get upset with the kids for one thing or another, the parent that was not initially involved in the yelling would have to be the nice parent in the situation.  Alisa and I would switch roles depending on the situation.  I have few talents, but I was born with a loud voice, and I can yell. the other day we were playing Parcheesi and Luke got upset when James sent his pawns Home.  He went on about breaking the rules, and it wasn't fair, I yelled at him, James went downstairs, Luke went to his room, and I just fumed about how my kids still cry over games.  A couple days later we were watching the Women's World Cup and the USA scored a goal, I yelled.  All three of my boys were silent, James looked at me and said, "Dad, I don't like it when you yell, even when you are happy."  Whoa.  Sam had told me in the past he doesn't like me coaching his teams because even when I am yelling encouragement it sounds like I am angry.  I guess I have a lot of work to do, and I am missing my better half.

I am sure there are other things, but we can stop there.  We have had some great moments the last few weeks, in spite of my mistakes.

We went to the Lehi Rodeo which is a great tradition.

Luke had his tenth birthday.  It was fun, but as I was taking pictures of him, I think he was missing his mom.  It just looked like he was trying hard to enjoy the moment, and he shouldn't have to try.  It was nice of his aunts to work so hard to give him the cupcakes he wanted.  they were perfect.

Rodeo.

We spent an evening at Sundance, playing, laughing, and just enjoying each other's company.

I have realized over the last month that one of the things I miss most is Alisa's ability to humble me.  I don't really know how to put this in words, but I have enough confidence to last me a lifetime, and Alisa knew how to encourage me, but not let me get too arrogant.  There were times when I would get upset because I felt like she was teaching the kids not to respect me.  I find now that I am grateful she taught them to question me (these words all seem wrong, I hope you get the gist).  James has filled the role nicely, reminding me that my blog "doesn't even quote him accurately," and that my "grammar and spelling are horrible {chuckling}."  Sam and James laughed their heads off when I had them take a picture of my "tattoo" and then made him retake it because he included my "love handles" in the picture.  Alisa taught them well, and I am grateful.

fathers day

Fathers day has always been a good day at our house.  Breakfast in bed, sleeping in, avoiding any type of work, relaxing all day.  I basically accomplished all of those today.  We even made it to church (almost on time).

Yesterday my dad finished a bike ride from Reno to Salt Lake City.  A ride of over 660 miles in 6 days.  You can read all about the ride here.
http://www.ikickedcancersbutt.org/riders/rich-linton
https://www.facebook.com/RidefromReno
http://www.ikickedcancersbutt.org/

He rides for Alisa and sent us these pictures.

We all gathered at the University of Utah to welcome him home.  While we were waiting for my dad to come in, other riders would come in and the announcer would say their name and who they were riding for, an older gentlemen wearing a pink jersey crossed the finish line, and this followed.

Announcer: "and this is John Doe, riding for Jane, his wife, who passed away from breast cancer last year.

James: "Dad, why aren't you riding?"

Me: "uhh, I will next year, I have been pretty busy, I will do it next year"

James - in perfect teenager form: "hmm, I guess that is ok"

I couldn't help but think of Alisa, who constantly challenged me to be better.  (I should also mention that I have given James the job of editing this blog for spelling, grammar and historical accuracy, so some of the details above may change.)

This ride is hard (just talk to a bike rider if you can't imagine it) but my dad has been a strength to me and my family throughout our challenges.  He worked hard to support us growing up, he hired me after I graduated from college (even though in my teenage wisdom I had told him I would never work there again), he has continued to be an example to me and my boys.  His mother died when he was 12 and I am constantly reminded of the example that he is to my boys now.

We had dinner at their house tonight, now that I think of it, I am not sure I even wished him a Happy Father's Day, I am sure I didn't get him a present (Alisa always took care of that kind of thing), although I did take credit for dinner, claiming that was his present (except my older brother, Ashkii (and his wife) did all the work).  He played ultimate spoons with the nieces and nephews, and even changed a few rules.  I am proud to be his son.


We continue to figure out this new life of ours, and are grateful for all the love and support.

Happy Father's Day to all you fathers out there, and especially to mine.

Remembering

Tuesday evening Steven and Andrew stayed overnight.  All the boys get along great and it really is an easy thing to have them over.  The best part of the evening was during dinner (that was conveniently delivered).  When the boys start fighting during dinner we pull out this jar of questions to keep ourselves from getting out of control.

Here are some examples of the questions.

"What is your favorite thing about being a brother/sister?"

"If you could be an animal, what would it be?"

We came upon one question that seemed innocent enough...I would never have guessed where this lead.

"What is your favorite holiday?"  We had some of the expected holidays; Christmas, Easter, etc. We asked everyone to give one reason. Then it was Andrew's turn.

Andrew: "My favorite holiday is my birthday, because I get presents."

James: "Well, wouldn't you pick Christmas then, because you get more presents."

Andrew: "No, because on my birthday I get presents, and no one else does...(mischievous smile).

Then it was James turn.  He said his favorite day was March 10th because it was awesome (also happens to be his birthday.) We decided to check March 10th for any "awesome" holiday.

This was a mistake.  For the next 30 minutes we checked everyone's birthday and what special holidays were celebrated.  There were some great ones, and you can check out yours here 

http://www.checkiday.com/ 

I would bore you listing all the great holidays we found, but by far the best/worst one we found was on March 10th.  

International Day of Awesomeness! - no joke.  read all about it (we did)

 http://dayofawesomeness.com/

James is never going to let us forget this.

That really was the highlight of our week.

Things aren't perfect though.  

Luke told me we needed to go on a vacation, to the Oregon coast, because Alisa always wanted to take us there.  I told him we would.  I can tell he is having a bit of a tough time.  He isn't excited about doing much, but does seem to have fun once he gets going.

Sam was having a hard time deciding if he wanted to go to scout camp this week.  Really??? Sam???  This kid loves the outdoors, scout camp should be heaven for him.  He is going and will do fine, but we are starting to see signs of strife around here.

I think James is doing the best.

I yelled at the kids yesterday (first time, since...not sure when, but it has been a while) for whining about helping around the house for an hour.  I apologized, they bucked up, and we got the garage clean.  This might be a little sacrilegious but sometimes I find myself thinking I should submit Alisa to become a saint, then I realize I am a member of the wrong religion for that.  I think I just want to talk to her again, and don't you pray to saints?  I am happy passing my messages to her through Heavenly Father, and I am sure she can hear me gripe all day anyway.  

I finally got up enough courage to listen the Alisa's funeral service.  It was hard, but also refreshing to listen to that celebration of her life.  My favorite part was when Brittany sang Amazing Grace at the graveside.  Here it is for those that were not there.

I also watched a slideshow Alisa's sisters made for the funeral.  It is awesome, made me cry (I guess lots of things do these days, but this especially)

Alisa's sister Kirsten also made this video, which is just beautiful.  Thanks Kirst.

18 days down, many years to go

It has been 18 days since Alisa passed away.  When people ask how we are doing, I just answer "as well as can be expected."  The truth is I don't really know how we are doing.  The boys seem to be doing really well.  They play Lego's, run around with their friends, fight, complain about the food, beg for dessert, and mostly obey.  Pretty much the same boys I have had since I can remember.

Not everything is the same.

The house is not nearly as clean, although we get amazing help from our family that keeps the house from turning into a disaster.

We don't eat as well, people are bringing us dinner, and it is really good, but I am learning that Alisa must have supplemented meals, because we are definitely not eating as many fruits and vegetables as we used to.

We barely made it to church last week, James texted me this Sunday morning standing outside my door.

Notice the time? Church starts at 11:00.  Yes, I was still sleeping, but we made it to church (late) and are determined to do better.

Sometimes we like to go through old pictures and videos, it is pretty fun, and we can't help but get a laugh.  Mostly because of Luke.  After watching the below vi
deo, James said: "Luke is hilarious, I wish I would have known him back then."  I have edited the video, so it is a little shorter.

James also found this picture and we like to call it The Cheerio Lord.  Not sure how this came about, but we are pretty sure he is about to use the Force on someone.

The Cheerio

I am so glad Alisa took so many pictures and videos.  She would always tell me I needed to take more of her (she was most often the videographer and the photographer), we have a lot, but I am sure I will get to a point where I wish I had more.

Thanks to my family and Alisa's family for helping keep us busy and occupied this summer.

The beginning of a new adventure

I have started this post 3 times now.  The first time was just rambling, it made no sense.  I did try the day after the funeral, maybe that was my mistake.

The second time I thought I had the perfect idea, since I couldn't thank everyone at the funeral, I thought I would do it here, no time limit.  By the time I had finished thanking Alisa's family, I had written the longest blog post of my life.  I wanted to recognize everyone for their help, and it would be like trying to find you name on the back of you high school graduation t-shirt, you are sure it is there, but finding it may not be worth the trouble.  And then, I would probably still leave people out.

So here goes my third attempt.  I think I am a little less frazzled, and thanks will just have to come over time.

The last couple days have been busy hanging out with the Johnsons for their family reunion.  This was planned months ago, and I am glad they decided to do it, even amidst our current sadness.  It has been nice to keep busy and the boys love hanging out with their cousins.

Alisa was the one that kept track of our family.  She was diligent at writing a journal, she took tons of pictures, she kept track of everything we did.  I was along for the ride.  Now it is my responsibility to make sure that when my boys grow up, the history of their lives doesn't stop in 2015. So, I will continue to blog about our life adventure, I may even spend some time on Instagram and Facebook.

There were a few people that asked if I would continue blogging about what happens around here,  I don't love to write, but I think it is the best way for me to document our new life.

I am excited (and very scared) to start this new phase of our life.  I love my boys, they are a blast to hang out with, and remind me of Alisa.  She taught them well, I can't remember the last argument I won against James.  My best weapons are "because I said so" or "because I am the dad," pretty weak.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and offers of help.  I am sure I am going to need it.